♥ Second Chances
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A mess.
That is how everything is atm. Complicated. Messy. Strange. Mind boggling.
Yeah, maybe I just can't look you in the eye without feeling a million stabs in my gut. And yeah, I apologise. I'm really sorry. For being such a bitch to you and for pushing you away everytime you tried to get to know me better. I'm sorry for treating you like I dgaf, cuz the truth is, i sure as hell do care, more than you will ever know atleast. Yes, I admit, I'm afraid of even opening up the tiniest bit to you, for fear of falling for you. See where it had lead us now?
It had always been the same ol' game. One going after another and when the other gives in, the entire scene changes. How sick and tired I am of this bullshit. In my defense, it was not easy trying to read all your mix signals. This is my first year in college, trying to adapt to a whole new scene without the need of complication in my second week of classes !
And how will i ever be able to guess what all your actions mean? Our relationship started off with such a complicated base that one wrong move from either one of us and we'll be in deep shit, you and I both. Everything is just WRONG. To make matters worse, this is not a normal schoolgirl crush that i can go around sharing with my friends and classmates now can I ?
Recent weeks, I have been tossing around in bed in the wee hours of the morning, trying to push sleep off as much as i could, so that I would feel so exhausted and pass out immediately without having to think of this. It worked well for the first one week or so, before my sleeping pattern got even more out of control and i drag myself to classes every morning more exhausted than the day before. I find myself climbing into bed at 5am having to get up at 6, still not being able to sleep peacefully. Do you have any fucking idea how exhausted i feel ?
Ever since a kid, I had always loved the feeling of intense rush of adrenaline flowing and pulsating through my bloodstreams, pushing me to do more and more crazy shit without thinking twice. Maybe it is that once again ? The thought that you're exciting and strange with a very mysterious history had got me craving to get to know you better. The fact that we could not be together during this duration of time as it is FORBIDDEN and wrong had made it all the more exciting and challenging for me.
My trials is in less than 2 weeks time. I have to work extra hard for this to make up for me slacking the entire year. How can i do this if I can't even clear my mind for fuck sake ?!
Tbh, I'm sick and tired of this. Really, really tired in fact. I can't play this game no more. If i were given a choice between graduating with the TER i needed versus you, i think my choice right here is pretty clear. The whole point of this post is just to express everything that i had kept building inside of me for 8 months now. I just need to let it out.
So, with the closure of this post coming nearer, so will be the hope and emotions that i had kept bundled up be let go of. Things are prolly better this way. After all, its just 2 more months before we bid farewell and most likely never see each other again. What's the point of holding onto this for 2 more months and wait for an outcome which I'm not sure of ?
Isn't it funny, the way life fucks you over ? Sending people into your life you'd thought you would never ever look at twice, and somehow the opposite always happens ? Jsyk, i wrote this post yesterday and i delayed finishing it, cuz i know the second i hit send, everything changes.
Everything must come to an end. When i walked pass you today, somehow i know i already have my mind made up. That this is it. The countdown begins.
