He makes my heart flutter after a long longggg time.

Makes me smile.

I find myself grinning from ear to ear when i'm in his presence.

The one that made me fall in love like a 11 year old girl having her first crush.

Giving me the feeling of excitement and a rush of adrenaline.

Made my skin felt like they are on fire when his fingers brushes them.

Gave me hope and encouragement.

Taught me to become a better person, and to move forward in life.

Tries to catch my gaze and when he manages, gives me a quick smile or shyly turns away.

Made my heart melt.

Having the greatest personality EVER and that turns me on.

***

Those above were just random outburst that had been held back for a long time.

I was given a week's time worth of break and i had another week of classes before my trials. I decided to take both weeks off cuz i felt that i needed some time alone.

That in those 2 weeks i will be able to figure things out and hopefully even forget you.

I did succeed in thinking less about him for those of you reading that are probably rolling your eyes at my unreasonable attempt.

But it doesn't matter because the second our eyes met, everything came rushing back.

So right now i am back to square one.

Feeling even more confused and exhausted.

I'm tired of all this mind games. I can't do it anymore. Really, i just can't.

I don't want to spend anymore time trying to figure things out or read all the hidden signals you kept throwing my way.

Honestly, it just hurts too much for me to continue any longer. So all i can do is to keep my distance as far away from you as possible and minimize eye contact and conversation.

I'm sorry for being like the biggest bitch in the entire universe to you. I just don't know any other way to do it.

Cuz if i were to let my guard down for even one second and be nice, i would fall all over again.

I just don't have the strength to fall for you and try to find my way back out after that.

After all, your mixed signals are not making things any easier. And your mood swings. Seriously?

Plus, who am i kidding? The chances of us being together after all this is done is as much a chance of Lindsay staying sober.

So, why let myself fall deeper when i can still have a chance to salvage what's left right?

Life is never fair. You don't always get what you want. Just have to deal with it and move on. I need to keep repeating that to myself until it sinks in for real and i actually buy in to it.

I admit that if i were to say that i am determined to forget him overnight is basically impossible. The most i will hope for right now is just to come to terms with the fact that this is pointless. Then, in time everything will be better and he will be nothing more than just a memory of my past.

I will learn to let go.

x